I mentioned John Zmirak a few days ago. A decent guy from what I can tell. And yet I was rather rude in my disagreements with him some years ago, due to his unsoundness on matters of freedom of speech and religion, etc. I wish I hadn’t been that way. In those days, I was angry to find conservative Catholics who were not on board with integralism. I knew that my opinions were very unpopular in the wider world, but on that account I thought myself even more entitled to have unanimity on my own little team.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve lost this sense of being entitled to be part of a team that shares the same beliefs on every matter I regard as important. Even on the Orthosphere, I am in some ways a minority, as I find little to agree with in the writings of Nicolas Berdyaev or Rene Girard, at least as far as my colleagues have explained them. After all, I hate freedom, and my understanding of Christianity is grounded entirely on ritual sacrifice. Five years ago, I would have probably made an ass of myself accusing Richard Cocks and Tom Bertonneau of undermining the Faith, or some such thing. Now it seems silly to me to get angry about disagreements, and perverse to be more angry at disagreements with people on “my side”, as if someone who agrees with me about one thing is thereby obliged to agree with me about others. I am very lucky to be on the same team as RC and TB.
This change of attitude comes just in time too, because I know no one agrees with my opposition to a reform of the Church. I only feel pity for my fellow Catholics. Having internalized one thousand years of self-loathing, they hope that with this final act of institutional self-immolation God will finally be happy with them. I understand their self-hatred, because it’s in me too. I’ll always be haunted by the feeling that being a Catholic means that I’m not as good as everybody else. None of us can have the simple pride toward our ancestors and our leaders that other peoples have and take for granted. As the sodomite is defined by his pride, the Catholic is trapped in his humiliation.
I suspect that, because the Devil is the Prince of this World, our evil words have more effect than our good ones. I cannot prove it, but I fear that the most influential writings on this blog were my deleted attacks on Pope Francis, which undermined the Church and thus advanced the agenda of Satan. Good intentions have little influence on the career of our words once we have uttered them and thus turned them loose. And how can I know if my intentions were truly good? Fortunately, this blog now gets very little traffic, meaning I suppose that the Enemy can no longer find any use for it. Nevertheless, I played my little role in bringing ruin to the Church, through my writings and my various personal failures. How could I be angry at anyone else?
I have argued for performative conservatism in the past. I imagine, though, that the Prince of this World will always arrange things so that, if one does decide to make some grand gesture of fidelity to God or the Church or one’s people that more ill will come of it than good. Perhaps like me you are an unimpressive person, and that toward which you wish to be faithful is better off not having you publicly associated with it. Perhaps you will only inspire your workplace to crack down harder on dissidents, making life even harder for your side. Perhaps performative conservatism is selfish after all. Thinking that one should do something grand and romantic, when more likely God intended one to do something mundane and practical. Was I too proud to ask myself what God is realistically asking of someone with my meager abilities? Were the essays an excuse to avoid manual labor volunteer work?
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